Online Interviews Gifts

"Oh yes, I've been passionate about chimney sweeping for my whole life, and I think I'll fit right in with the team."

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

Moses on the web

'Alas, poor Yorick, I knew you well. But dude, you're creeping me out, so I gotta un-friend you!'

'Will you pipe down? I'm in a business meeting.'

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

'I'm afraid you don't have the leadership qualities we're seeking.'

"Could you please focus on the objective of this meeting, Tom... you can get back to your 300 followers later."

"If it doesn't happen on Facebook, it didn't happen."

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"Why would I want to meet Santa? I can just go home and log onto his social media page from the comfort of my bed."

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

"So what makes you think you're qualified for this job?"

"OMG, LOL!"

"And to my nephew, Todd, I leave my 27 Twitter followers."

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

Online Dating

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'I believe in a 'carrot and stick' approach to motivation. The carrot is not to use the stick.'

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

'If you take this job, you will need child care... that's my second job.'

'We like your style, but hate your substance.'

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

"I believe you'll like our company. We pay our employees time and a fifth."

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

"It says here on your resume that one of your qualities is a sense of humor. Care to elaborate?"

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'