One-upmanship Enthusiast Pillows

"That does it! - if the Anderson's have the bomb, then we have to have it too..!!!"

"Well, at least we know she died peacefully."

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

'You beat me by two...but with your penalties I beat you by 150!'

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

'Prolonged sitting leads to death? What's up with that?'

"Actually, Sally, my name isn't Mrs. Santa Claus... It's Barb. I'm not defined by my husband."

Jack in the Box Reading Joke Book.

"You've got to give Hunter top marks for presentation."

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

'But seriously, folks... Who knows how many blondes it takes to screw in my latest invention?'

'His dad was a standup. He's a quip off the old block.'

'Bearnaise sauce again,' he cried. 'I can't bear the thought of it!'

'He doesn't get the jokes - he just laughs at the F-words.'

"Knock! Knock! Who's there? What, seriously? You mean you haven't installed personal security cameras?"

'Both benches have emptied, and now the brawl is spreading to the spectators!'

'As the actor said to the female bishop.'

"Now take my life-partner...please...take my life-partner!!"

'There were long delays on the M4 this week after a pig trailer overturned.' - 'The police arrived on the scene quickly.' - 'Observers wryly noted that there were 'Pigs running all over the road.''

Stage Fright

"Which one more says 'Cool Guy?'"

Conformity

'We could have a problem here lads.'

Fear of Public Speaking

'See, it's of a joke on it. I call it the 'Comedy Club'.'

'True but only in practice, not in principle.'