One-upmanship Enthusiast Gifts

"That does it! - if the Anderson's have the bomb, then we have to have it too..!!!"

"Well, at least we know she died peacefully."

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

'Those are a few jokes to loosen up the crowd first...how do you like 'em?'

One-man band rehearsal.

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

'You beat me by two...but with your penalties I beat you by 150!'

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

These upside-down tomato planters simplify everything. But, dad. Mother nature wants plants to grow upwards. Sez who?

"Actually, Sally, my name isn't Mrs. Santa Claus... It's Barb. I'm not defined by my husband."

'Prolonged sitting leads to death? What's up with that?'

Bob Monkhouse

Jack in the Box Reading Joke Book.

"You've got to give Hunter top marks for presentation."

"Any kids here tonight? Oh, wait... I guess not...since I didn't see any on the menu."

'His dad was a standup. He's a quip off the old block.'

'But seriously, folks... Who knows how many blondes it takes to screw in my latest invention?'

'Bearnaise sauce again,' he cried. 'I can't bear the thought of it!'

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

With the evening all to herself, Kate put on her 'UPS Drivers Gone Wild' video.

"I'll tell you my gender if you tell me yours."

'Fair play, Bill always knows when he's had enough.'

'There were long delays on the M4 this week after a pig trailer overturned.' - 'The police arrived on the scene quickly.' - 'Observers wryly noted that there were 'Pigs running all over the road.''

"Now take my life-partner...please...take my life-partner!!"

Stage Fright

"Knock! Knock! Who's there? What, seriously? You mean you haven't installed personal security cameras?"

"Which one more says 'Cool Guy?'"

'As the actor said to the female bishop.'

'He doesn't get the jokes - he just laughs at the F-words.'

'Both benches have emptied, and now the brawl is spreading to the spectators!'

Conformity

'We could have a problem here lads.'

'See, it's of a joke on it. I call it the 'Comedy Club'.'

'He's just two-stepped away from his desk for a moment.'