One Percenter Lifestyle Humorist Gifts

'He prefers smoking cash to injecting it.'

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

"I swapped my 'couch to 5k' training app for a '5k to couch' one!"

Emergency Hipster Beard

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

Normal Beard vs. Hipster Beard

Death Styles of the Rich and Famous

Gangsta wrap.

"Yes, you've taught me a thing or two - but over twenty-plus years that's not much."

"I think you're beard needs a trim..."

Late Bloomers

"Well your results would be normal if you were a 108 and smoked a 60 a day!"

"Give me something that shows I'm hip AND fiscally responsible."

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"You know what they say: if you're tired of London, you're tired of organic soy latte and pop-up vegan yoga festivals..."

Hipster Police Department

White Flight. Beautification. Gentrification. Plain Old Rich.

"The house is great, but compared to reality show realtors, you're a big disappointment."

"... And that's an 18-pound piece of tofu I shot at Whole Foods."

'Don't be tempted, Mrs. Root, just mail those apple fritters right here to me!'

"A spectre is haunting Europe, the spectre of hipsterism."

"He and I connected physically, spiritually, emotionally, financially, humorously, technologically, and self-destructively."

"Sorry, but it's store policy to remove man buns by any means necessary."

"How am I going to put in a new tape?"

"It's nothing new. We've always offered a complimentary beard wash following an order of ribs."

"BEARD FOR HIRE! Good Rates!"

"Oh, it's the best thing since small-batch, artisanal, unsliced bread."

'Could you give me big tits?'

"A lifetime of illicit substance abuse, chain-smoking, excessive alcohol consumption and eating nothing but crap . . . and you have the nerve to tell me I'm dying of 'natural causes!'"

Veggie Coffee House. Oh, no, another beet poet.

"Oh God, beards are so passe."

"You're a pig in bed."

'I said he could sleep with me... well... he's asleep.'