Olympic Buff Gifts

Olympic torch reaches Britain.

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"First aid box, puncture repair kit, mobile phone, energy bars and plenty of liquids; I think that's all eventualities covered..."

'It's perfectly normal for middle-aged men to put on a little weight.'

"I hate it when the damned things decide they need to get out and burn off some calories."

Race track - with the race being to apply the white lines between lanes

"Wait! Don't start the chase now: I need to stretch first!:

"I told him he should have trained more."

7 brownies worth of exercise.

Apocalypse Research Center

'C'mon, c'mon! I want to be the first one on the stair-climbing machine!'

Bessy had won the 100m sprint... but many suspected Steeroid abuse!

'Research shows that while the number of surfers is somewhat constant over the year, there is a sudden increase in casual bathers over Summer...'

'Einstein's theory of negativity'

"I can hear the sea boiling."

Gym. Instructor. Why do you want to learn kickboxing? I've always wanted to win a fight hands down!

Motivation to Keep Fit.

Pollyanna, the Hamster

'Hey look I got a free newspaper with my wallchart of north sea molluscs aand DVD of elbow stretching excercises.'

"When did everybody stop jogging?"

'He's got a good attitude, and he's tall. But he's got to get into the weight room.'

'This training session is all about challenging assumptions. For example you see someone looking depressed, dishevelled, unkempt it's easy to jump to conclusions. But they may not be a social worker, they may be a client!'

Mike had learnt by heart the whole training manual, apart from the most important bit.

'If you plan to run a half-marathon you won't want a stopwatch, you'll need a calendar!'

The tortoise and the hare are in a shoe store trying on shoes in preparation for their race.

Fitness Course.

'Figuring out what a day equals is hard. I think I'll work on something easier ... '

"In my workout this morning I hit a new personal best, but on a seasonally adjusted basis, my numbers actually fell."

Albert Einstein

'Young players have a tendency to forget fundamentals over the winter.'

Planner at work.

"Steroids."

'I wasn't the smartest guy in the room, but I had the whitest teeth!'

'Can't you spell? This is 'muscle beach.' You want 'M-U-S-S-E-L Beach.''

"Oh, we're not bouncers. We just can't fit through the door."