Old-school Pen Pal Gifts

Dear Abbey

Squeezing the Free Press.

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

'This is a letter opener, from the days before faxes and email. I just sold it online after I listed it as a vintage communication device.'

"I want one of those. He takes notes and DOODLES at the same time."

'Yes I think we did go to school together. Wasn't you the old headmistress?'

"'CPD'...stuff and nonsense, the old ways are fine for me, now pass me a hammer. I need to put this patient out!"

'I didn't know people still played footsie.'

'With government cyber snooping, we must communicate through channels no one would ever suspect...the postal service.'

Writer's Strike

Droplet with a pencil.

The Cartoon Reaper.

"That's not an email, so you don't have to worry about it containing a virus. It's a birthday card from Nana."

John's Early Attempts at Direct Messaging Proved Futile.

MAIL CALL AT THOMPSON, HALVERSON, SPIELMAN & OSGOOD

"I'm worried about Dad, he's got invisible friends"

"We're actually gossiping at a water cooler instead of on social media. Does this make us hipsters?"

'Opps!'

"The good news is that I remember you from high school. Unfortunately, that's also the bad news."

'Of course I remember you. Potkins the Peter Pan of the Lower Fourth.'

"I know it's a ransom note, but it's just so refreshing to get a handwritten letter these days."

"My dear Charles: I am writing to you in soy ink on recycled paper."

Be a pen pal and make someone's day.

"We're not friends-she just e-mails me things I'm not interested in."

'Son, remember you don't get instantaneous communication gratification from me...I'm still a land line person.'

"I couldn’t get a date on the outside and now I’m swamped with marriage proposals!"

Though excited to see him after so many years, Jeanette couldn't help but notice Dwight's wine gut.

"I’d like to take this opportunity to return the Spin Doctors CD Jerry lent me in 1991."

'I remember when a social network meant a bar.'

"Apparently she's your Philippino penfriend come to visit"

Prisoners of the Cheyenne accountants.

'I'm writing to my penfriend - what's French for 'parents', 'old-fashioned' and 'unreasonable'?'

"You are entitled to one call, one fax, or one E-mail."

'You can expect to get twenty years for this, and I don't mean 'doggie years'!'

"I'm old school. I still like to yell, 'Stay off my lawn' rather than text it."