Offline Newsreader Gifts

'I won't be reading the paper online today, so you can take my computer back to my office.'

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

"It's me. I'm calling in sick of it."

Reading the sports pages.

"The car is in the garage, but I had to drive over the lawnmower."

Rhinoceros Is Most Intelligent Ungulate

"Well, I think we come back as newspapers." "You're nuts."

Men on escalators reading newspapers, shares are going up on the up escalator and down on the down escalator.

Cleaner dusting under man's toupee.

"So—who are you angry at currently?"

Bird in a chair with a human in a cage.

'No, I am not finished with the comics section, now give me back my glasses!'

"Good evening. In today's top story, my book has jumped to Number Three on the best-seller list."

"This is the way I like it - I pretend to be asleep and he doesn't bother me."

When Dogs Appear To Be Thinking.

"Someday when you have a kid of your own and you feel the urge to arbitrarily say no just because you can, you'll understand."

'Stocks rose, then dropped on news that life is full of highs and lows.'

Celebrity anagrams: Is a salt water rat (Answer: Alastair Stewart)

"Darling, there's an offer for a time-share nest in Florida: Should we apply?"

"I hope I live long enough to see Bush's view of his legacy come true! I'll be around a long, long, long time!"

'It's our latest line-suits for t.v announcers'

"It's five post meridiem in Central Europe. Compliled form the major networks the news is next."

'Nothing's happened today-read it dead slowly.'

NEWS WEATHER SPORTS

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

'That's nothing new. Thatcher had a similar plan, but she called hers; 'Every man for himself'.'

Dog fetching a newspaper and then reading it himself.

'Don't tell me - you've come as a newsreader?'

'That was the worst performance I've ever seen.'

'Didn't you know that I read the comics every morning before I take the newspaper to Master?'

Husband splashing tea over newspaper.

"Yes, it is strange...usually he reads the 'Daily Gossip'."