Daily News Reader Gifts

So much to be cross about, so little time.

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

Breaking News: Earth Crosses Multiple Lanes, Crashes into Sun... Distracted Orbiting to Blame.

Reading the sports pages.

"The car is in the garage, but I had to drive over the lawnmower."

"It's me. I'm calling in sick of it."

Rhinoceros Is Most Intelligent Ungulate

Netanyahu versus Gantz

Men on escalators reading newspapers, shares are going up on the up escalator and down on the down escalator.

"Well, I think we come back as newspapers." "You're nuts."

Cleaner dusting under man's toupee.

"So—who are you angry at currently?"

Bird in a chair with a human in a cage.

"Bad news on Wall Street today, as the bottom fell out of the market, the sides collapsed, and the top blew away."

'No, I am not finished with the comics section, now give me back my glasses!'

It's 10 P.M. does anyone know what 'sequestration' means?

When Dogs Appear To Be Thinking.

"Good evening. In today's top story, my book has jumped to Number Three on the best-seller list."

"This is the way I like it - I pretend to be asleep and he doesn't bother me."

"Someday when you have a kid of your own and you feel the urge to arbitrarily say no just because you can, you'll understand."

'I won't be reading the paper online today, so you can take my computer back to my office.'

'Stocks rose, then dropped on news that life is full of highs and lows.'

"I hope I live long enough to see Bush's view of his legacy come true! I'll be around a long, long, long time!"

"It's five post meridiem in Central Europe. Compliled form the major networks the news is next."

Celebrity anagrams: Is a salt water rat (Answer: Alastair Stewart)

'Nothing's happened today-read it dead slowly.'

'It's our latest line-suits for t.v announcers'

NEWS WEATHER SPORTS

"Darling, there's an offer for a time-share nest in Florida: Should we apply?"

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

Farmer reads newspaper headline 'Drought Hits Midwest'; sees sand dunes and camel caravan through window.

'That's nothing new. Thatcher had a similar plan, but she called hers; 'Every man for himself'.'

Dog fetching a newspaper and then reading it himself.