Office Realist Gifts

'You suck.'

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'Always remember that the most competent person is the person who can hide his incompetence best.'

'With only one sick day left, your boss wishes you a speedy recovery.'

'Welcome to the office. . . Someone will be along to remove your self esteem and install your paranoia.'

'What happens in the board room stays in the board room, Hawkins!'

'Good new. . . we're moving you to a bigger desk!'

"Why are you reading obituaries?""To manage expectations..."

'I can't stand 'Yes men'!'

'The good news is, my new workplace is in the fresh air...'

Smokers outside the office in front of a giant billboard proclaiming 'Smoking Can Damage Your Health'.

"Miss Frimley? Could you fetch me a bigger chair?"

"We trimmed the fat. Now all we have left is the gristle!"

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

'Don't worry about your job at the office, Sweetie. They declared bankrupty today.'

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

His cubicle had come to be known as 'Teddy Bear Heaven'.

"We end our Newscast with a happy story tonight."

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

"...Everyone you meet on the way up, you'll meet again on the way down."

Someone loses his pension.

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

'Mr. Barnes was going to interview you for the job, until he realized you were actually expecting financial compensation, benefits and vacation time.'

'I've fired the entire company except you, Jerkins. You'll have more work without pay, but you do have job security.'

'Remember Jones, your organs are worth more to us than your intellectual property.'

"Times are challenging so all our staff have to multitask."

"Well, you could wish for a new kitchen and a bathroom renovation; or alternatively you could just wish for a less idle husband."

Go to M.I.T., they said. You'll do great things, they said.