Office Pundit Gifts

"Take the severance package, Hayward. The rest of the board wanted a ritual slaying."

'I think the only reason my job hasn't been outsourced is because nobody knows what I do around here.'

Giant merger.

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

'I'm not trying to talk you out of jumping Simpson, truth is, I've been thinking of making some staff cutbacks.'

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"That's a very difficult problem to address, Ted, could you restate it as a solution?"

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

"Suppose you tell me why you want to be a faceless drone at Globatron Inc.?"

"I think we should try something a little simpler."

"Fact amnesty"

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

Sub Post Office/Sub-Justice

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"Anyone who opposes my proposal lift an arm!"

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"Yeah? Well, tell him that in this company Gandhi-like resistance wouldn't have worked for Gandhi, either."

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Pie chart - What were we studying, again?

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

"The tweet you posted last night struck a chord around the world, united all factions, and basically altered the course of humanity."

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

"And that was the news. . . But please feel free to go online and vent your spite, spread your conspiracy theories and promote your ill-informed opinions. . ."

"You're not fooling me. I can spot 'fake mews'."

"In view of climate change, I'd put all my money into ice cream, mineral water and weapons!"

"Frankly I was expecting something a bit more sophisticated..."

'What I like most about the new boss is that you always know EXACTLY where you stand with him!'

'Do I believe?? Listen, I believe in anything that generates $400 billion in annual sales!'