Office Joker Gifts

'So, how bad is it? Who can bring me up to speed?'

'He's done well considering he was just a part-time summer intern.'

'We like to bring together people from radically different fields and wait for the friction to produce heat, light and magic. Sometimes it takes a while.'

"Not bad! ...For a duck."

"Shall make another pot?"

"I don't know how it started, either. All I know is that it's part of our corporate culture."

"No wonder your arm aches. Shackles should be placed at eye level. Man, it's an ergonomic nightmare down here."

'What did you take away from the meeting?'

'Before we start, shall we go round the table, and each share our name and a horrible dark secret from our past.'

'Maybe you should reconsider those place cards, Ms Harris?' (Negotiation talks/Good Guys/Bad Guys)

Boss at board meeting looks at colleague wearing helmet, headphones and strapped-on pillows, saying: 'I think, perhaps, we need to come up with a new approach to risk management.'

'Why do I have to go first?' 'There's no I in team Dave.'

'We found the donut to be more of an incentive for him.'

Panel discussion: absenteeism in the workplace.

'I have an idea...let's start thinking outside the box.'

Standardisation: "I don't understand...it fitted us OK!"

'Believe me, targets are essential!'

"Before you open it, could you just sign the waiver accepting that the firm bears no responsibility for guaranteeing that your retirement is in fact 'Happy'."

Pins on waiting room seats - "Its helped us cut unnecesseary visits by over 23%"

'We've worked out an answer...what was the question?'

And after our practice sessions, I can't stress this enough - Do not breathe directly into the headset. It scares people.

'Accounting has calculated how much we've paid you compared to how much work you've done. You owe the company $53, 972.'

"Call the staffing agency and cancel. I made this guy with a 3-D Printer."

'What's this, Dawkins?another of you 'visual metaphors'?'

'Asynchronous, collaborative, interactive - we're obviously on a roll.'

Small Business Advisor - Networking

"Gentlemen: This is a follow-up on our recent Christmas card."

'Lift with your knees not your back.'

"The new system is 100% accurate as long as the client is called Colin and lives in Swindon."

'If at first you don't succeed, appoint a committee and let them worry about it.'

'When I talked about, 'fundamental changes to chore practices to align ourselves with a changing business environment', I was referring to more than you moving your desk closer to the window.'

"Gotta run, Peter. A new client is on his way up."

"We only hire temps, and you have a look of permanence about you."

"Relax, Ms. Jones. I'm just X-raying this gift from my brother-in-law to see if I should re-gift it."

'Tippit, your salary increase will become effective as soon as you do.'