Occasional Drinker Gifts

I'd suggest less drinking, less smoking and less watching Paris Hilton on TV as good New Years' resolutions.

"If I'd known they had so little to drink I'd have brought the car."

'We like the occasional drink on the patio.'

5pm Happy Hour. 6pm discussion: what is true happiness?

'Gimme a Canadian club on the rocks!'

A cat pours himself a gin and tonic.

7 Dwarves of Retirement

"Another flue shot, Larry.

The Reaper's Arms

"I know my drinking limits.The problem is that I can never reach them - I simply fall down."

Al, why is my goldfish zigzagging? Perhaps sharing my beer with him was a case of misplaced generosity on my part.

"How about we settle your tab from the regular season?"

"Honestly, Paula, I don't know what I'd do without our daily keggers."

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

'Looks like a good day fah haulin' lobstah, eh, Pauley?...Let's just say it became a good day fah drinkin'...'

"Quick, I need a drink. Someone just called me Ma'am."

'Would you care to see our wine list, water list, soda list, tea list, coffee list, single malt scotch list, or beer list?'

'The King of what?'

'Beer's more than just a food -- it's a comfort food!'

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

"The Ususal, Mr. B?"

'She thinks I'm out every night training for the London Marathon.'

"Scientists may need a trillion dollar atom smasher to explore the fundamental questions of the universe, but all you need is one too many."

"In addition to the regular menu, today's specials are . . ."

"So, Danny Boy, what's up in your world?"

Is your glass half full or half empty? Who cares, fill her up!

"I opened the last of the emergency wine."

"Good evening, sir, may I see your drinking licence please?"

"You're looking a bit RUFF this morning."

"Hard day at the office Dear? You're swigging the Balsamic Vinegar."

Whiskey wars

Things to do while you're stuck at home during the coronavirus crisis.

'The first cocktail.'

'Brand X, the wine for those with indiscriminate taste.'

Rabbit Punch