Nursing Anecdotes Fan Gifts

'Death doesn't frighten me, but the night nurse does...'

"I hope you don't mind - I'm training a brand-new assistant and I've asked her to check your blood pressure."

"When was the last time anyone checked on Mr Klink."

"You need the toilet. . . hang on I think I've got an app for that."

"Which one goes down his bronchial tract and which one goes up his arse?"

"I realise that it shows a lack of maturity .. But I like baby talk."

Hospital porter leaving brain behind

Are you sure you're not holding your breath?

Some people have their own methods of dealing with a shortage of nurses

'We've noticed just about every patient you've tested has elevated blood pressure.'

"The small neat scar was from the surgery. The long jagged scar is where I sneezed."

'You're fine. Now get out of my office!'

'I've never seen mum change these when they get empty.'

Florence Nightingale

'This get well card is from the nurses you have been complaining about.'

"I'd like to request a transfer from the children's ward."

'I couldn't get the cap off the prescription bottle. What did you die of?'

'Bad case of credit crunch, I'm afraid. . . So we'll have to slowly introduce you to a diet of cash.'

"Jack fell down and broke his crown, but he should be all right after extensive surgery."

'Do I need a pin number to make a withdrawal?'

'She's a nurse in the childrens' ward.'

"Uh, oh...I was supposed to rub this on your back..."

'No nurse! - I said check their obs!'

'Anybody here losing the will to live?'

'I don't know if I'll ever be perky again.'

'I'd say you have a perfect aptitude for nursing.'

"Do you need your pillow fluffed up?"

''AAAIIIGGGHHH'...So would that be a 'yes' to the question 'I believe my needs are understood'?'

"Poor old dear can't talk much anymore I wonder what he's thinking...?" "Nice tits."

'Hey, I'm glad to see you're still here. I thought you'd died!'

'I refuse to be treated like a baby.'

Humpty Dumpty, fallen-down drunk.

The story of my op. - please take one