Novice Writer Gifts

Napkin Writer

"I was going to chuck it all and go to Paris but I didn't have enough frequent-flier miles."

"First time pruning?"

'The C minus was sufficient. I didn't need the advice against hiring a literary agent.'

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

Today we learned to count to one.

"I try to write a little bit every day."

'I have a best selling novel on the tip of my tongue...'

Great works I plan to complete during the lockdown.

It was my story. A murder mystery. A who-done-it-and-got-away-with-it-until-he-wrote-about-it.

"I've decided to cut out the middleman and self-publish."

BOOKSHOP, 'We're pushing our do-it-yourself kit today, sir -- a ream of paper and a dozen pencils.'

'I'll blurb you if you'll blurb me.'

Please buzz off. That's my flower!

"That was too many fresh original voices for one night."

"If you saw a book with the title 'An American Speaks Out,' would you buy it?"

"This is an excellent story, Doris, so far."

'This scholarship application is great. You must have received an A in creative writing.'

'I've had a few short stories published, but I'd really like to write 'the Great American How to Write a Novel.''

'I can't promise you a best seller but I can give you fifteen minutes of fame.'

"I'm surprised, Caswell. I thought you were a happy camper."

"A major crime publisher is interested in publishing your homework!"

'Welcome to the first meeting of the Shy Men Club.'

'Be gentle with me, it's my first novel.'

"The narrative seems contrived."

"No wonder you can't write, you're not plugged in!"

"This is my first book, but if I like it I may buy another in the near future."

'Oh man, he just nailed that triple entendre... that all but guarantees him a medal.'

'On Company Time: A Novel'

"I packed the cooking gear like you told me, Dad...where do I plug it in?"

"Not lengthways you idiot!!"

'Alex we talked about this, you can't bring live things home from the lake. . . no buts, they don't want to leave the lake. Let your little friends go.'

'Actually, the entire novel is a metaphor of me getting rich from the movie rights.'

'Your novel has an up-to-the-moment breaking news quality. We intend to publish it in 2012.'

'Nothing from the Nobel Committee or the National Endowment for the Arts, but 'Joe' wants you to write some napkins for his bar.'