Non-alcoholic Drinker Pillows

"Two non-fat lattes and a decaf flat white, please."

"She'll have a Shirley Temple, and I'll have a Shirley Temple's mother."

'New Barbeque.'

"It must be a youth culture!" (Lager, boobs, lager, babes,footie, girls,lager.)

Quick gin. Sloe gin

"We sell beer, but it's non-alcoholic."

"Unfortunately as the law stands at the moment 13 pints and a curry because you had a crap day isn't tax deductible!"

"Honey, I'll be right back – I forgot to stop at the bar on the way home."

"Most men have a tankard, but oh no, not you."

'At midnight we want to move to the non-smoking section so my husband can keep his New Year's resolution.'

"Wine goes straight to my head."

Somehow I thought it may be different up here.

"We also stock non-alcoholic wine" "Why?"

"What the ... this is rootbeer."

The professor had developed a product that would change the world forever.

"If I admit that I was wrong I would be admitting to myself that my whole life and everything I am and believe in is based on lies!"

'Clem, what time and channel is that there British Open golf tourney on TV?' 'I think it starts at tea time, Roy, on the English Channel.'

'I'm into natural foods, Joe -- give me a martini with a soybean in it.'

The Guy Who Invented An Alcohol Substitute

Alligator drinking Gatorade,

"Compliments of the gentleman at the end of the bar."

I'd suggest less drinking, less smoking and less watching Paris Hilton on TV as good New Years' resolutions.

'Non-alcoholic wines? Aisle 7, on the left - just keep shoveling dust 'til you hit them.'

"We card everyone. You're too old for a Shirley Temple."

"Poor sod, never a fag in his live, big C got him just the same."

"Sometimes I think, why am I here? What's the point?"

Pump with 'I can't believe it's not bitter'. 'It's our new non-alcoholic beer.'

'How obvious.'

'I'm afraid physics cannot explain why cigarette smoke always blows toward the non-smoker...'

"If I'd known they had so little to drink I'd have brought the car."

"I tried self-hypnosis to quit smoking. Unfortunately, I have no memory of it."

injured skier says medicinal brandy is bad

No alcohol for me thanks: I'm a Water Buffalo...

'Sorry, I don't care for this one, either. Tell you what, bring me a Coke.'

"Does anybody mind if I smoke?"