Niche Dining Enthusiast T-Shirts

"Well, what sort of customers did you expect if all you ever learned to cook was bamboo shoots?"

"Stephen and I are today's special."

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

'Only the years when the market was Bullish...'

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

"Hi, I'm Pop!"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Today: Yogurt Surprise. We call it "yogurt surprise" because we couldn't read the expiration date on the carton.

Grand Escargot at a Parisian Eatery.

'Who gets the decaf?'

Advanced footsie

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

"I can't go much longer without your asking why I'm vegan."

"Well I wouldn't eat it, but don't let that put you off."

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"Anything but milk and cookies."

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

"The chef recommends the tilapia. However, I really like the vodka."

"What kind of biscuits are they?"

Restaurant. One thing you can still get for a single dollar is the waiter's opinion of you.

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

'The food is great, but it's embarrassing the way she always insists on burping you.'

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"The after-dinner mint is the boss's idea. I think it's superfluous."

"Your mother texted us that you're not getting enough to eat, so I brought you twice what you ordered."

"I can't even remember what we were fighting about."