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"Mr. Lee's Chinese Palace, one of the city's best-kept secrets."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"I can't go much longer without your asking why I'm vegan."

"Well I wouldn't eat it, but don't let that put you off."

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

"Anything but milk and cookies."

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

"Regular service or affected?"

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"How's the salmon?"

"The chef recommends the tilapia. However, I really like the vodka."

"Expense account or regular?"

"Room for dessert, folks?"

"Your mother texted us that you're not getting enough to eat, so I brought you twice what you ordered."