Newspaper Publisher Gifts

"I'm a little concerned about our distribution."

Squeezing the Free Press.

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"Russ had a novel published two hours ago and has a children's book coming out in 20 minutes."

'So you want an advance on your writer's block?'

'That was fun!'

First Novels.

Accelerated reading. Slowpoke reading,

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

It's Dostoevsky. It's Melville. It's Flaubert. But it doesn't dance.

The Quack Quack Diaries: Quack Quack Writes A Novel

Gay Times...

"Your hunch was right, Officer Garcia. We'll need a good editor to clean up this manuscript and bring his unfinished novel to a satisfying conclusion."

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

The Apostle Paul receives a reply from the Corinthians.

'I think I'll stay in and try to catch up on my reading.'

'I have a best selling novel on the tip of my tongue...'

Letters escape from a caged book.

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

Sue the Author 3PM

'As a famous writer, could you do something to help jumpstart my career?'

In a world where spelling doesn't count.

Thesaurus Publishing: Out, Not here, Gone, Absent.

'I'll blurb you if you'll blurb me.'

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

Günter Grass

"No—You're thinking dog years—Editor years are twice as many."

'Amount of white out used while writing, Moby Dick, an issue of The National Enquirer, and 101 Uses for a Dead Cat.'

'It's the first animal in their dictionary, Inter-Planetary Publishing Protocol is to always list the most intelligent lifeform first...'

"So start throwing together about 10 novels a week and bring them in on Wednesdays."

"Tracey, this is Gene. He also read the Nancy Reagan book in unbound galleys."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."