Newly Engaged Gifts

True Love: The Missing Piece of a Man's Heart.

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

'Do you promise to love, honor and remain co-dependent until death do you part?'

" ... and peace be with you, although not likely."

'Bob, I know you're a Mockingbird, but a few compliments every now and then would greatly help your marriage...'

"The wedding cake as holy sacrament"

"And now, Marla and Dave will text their own vows."

Couples' therapy

"Who told the quartet to play 'Highway to Hell'?"

"Mating dance? Good luck with that. I couldn't even get my husband to do the chicken dance at our wedding."

"Honey, I don't want to hide anything from you. I collect pictures of cats in my spare time."

"...until death do you a favor."

"I don't know about you, but I'm ready to take this marriage full-throttle."

'It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.'

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

Is that pancake ready yet?

"It was romantic during dinner, but now it's getting kind of creepy."

'Lover's lance isn't the same as it used to be!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"I can't wait to introduce you to all the people I used to be friends with, before I started spending all my time with you."

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

'I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death.'

'How about joining us for a soda and pizza after the ceremony?'

"Springtime in New York. Ah, to be young, in love, and probably making two hundred and seventy-five thousand a year."

'Ha! Ha! The Wooin' O't!'

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"Would you care to accessorize each other?"

"You might ask, 'Can two people who love each other find happiness in an era of skyrocketing deficits?' I think they can."

"Excuse me, Reverend, but what, exactly, do you have to do to get a drink around here?"

"You may now let me go try to get the sand out of my shoes and suit just in time for my next beach wedding."

'Are we there yet, I love surprises.'

"Get a tomb!"