Newborns Gifts

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

'Once they're born they immediately begin to depreciate.'

'Oh Darling look. He's got your colour boogies!'

Birth of a conspiracy theorist. Sooo

Lady Goo Goo Gaga.

'I've had some baby sized clubs made.'

"Give her some space! She's overdosing on baby talk!"

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

"His first out-of-body experience."

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

Batman at the Maternity Ward

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Cry babies.

'Honey, where's my cell phone?'

Pool attached to child's bed.

Late night teddy reading

'You call it a bra. I call it excess packaging.'

'The child is very illogical'

Swinging on a star.

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

"Congratulations, it's a lifetime of penury and countless sleepless nights!"

'Hi hon! How's the little monster?'

Being and Nothingness Pop-Up! (book)

"For the girls—Kimberly, Caitlin, Lauren, Cindy, and Tracy. For the boys—Cameron, Christopher, Adam, Jeffrey, and Gregory."

"They're so adorable at that age!"

"I'd like to get my hands on whoever coined the phrase 'sleeps like a baby'."

"I'm starting him off with a little rope theory."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

A mother and baby elephant

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

The No No No's