New Job As Funeral Director Gifts

"We need to talk about your driving. Some of your passengers have been complaining."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"All we have left is standing room only."

He looks so natural lying there...

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

'Pre-existing conditions - What did YOU die of?'

"'Grim Reapers' was considered too offensive, these days we're known as 'afterlife facilitators.'"

'What - no internet? No USB ports? No socket for the coffee machine? No phone? Are you crazy? My husband was a very important CEO!'

'As I recall you were the one who told him that he couldn't take it with him.'

Amy Winehouse, up in Rock N' Roll heaven.

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

Cricketer's funeral

'I used to be an accountant but I found it too depressing.'

Chicken Funeral Planning.

"What? Too soon?"

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

"Hibernating! C'mon guys, I was only hibernating."

"Efficiency tombs available"

This Space Available.

Quicksand Swamp - Cheap Burial Plots.

"Oh relax, I'm off the clock for another hour."

'Normally, I would appreciate your never-say-die-attitude...'

Headstone reading 'Only Sleeping'.

Shoptalk

"The family has spent all week crafting a beautiful service of words and pictures - far too sentimental to be of practical use."

"When you reach your expiration date, would you like to be crushed or recycled?"

'Gosh, really? That must be pretty grim...'

Dead Man's Handel

"Just to be clear, you want suicide doors installed on your hearse?"

"What if you go under before I need to?"

'I tend to bury stuff.'

Viking Funeral

A signaller directing pallbearers