New Job As Funeral Director Gifts

"We need to talk about your driving. Some of your passengers have been complaining."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

He looks so natural lying there...

"All we have left is standing room only."

'Pre-existing conditions - What did YOU die of?'

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

"'Grim Reapers' was considered too offensive, these days we're known as 'afterlife facilitators.'"

'What - no internet? No USB ports? No socket for the coffee machine? No phone? Are you crazy? My husband was a very important CEO!'

'As I recall you were the one who told him that he couldn't take it with him.'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

Amy Winehouse, up in Rock N' Roll heaven.

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

Cricketer's funeral

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

'I used to be an accountant but I found it too depressing.'

Chicken Funeral Planning.

"Oh relax, I'm off the clock for another hour."

'Normally, I would appreciate your never-say-die-attitude...'

Headstone reading 'Only Sleeping'.

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

"Hibernating! C'mon guys, I was only hibernating."

Quicksand Swamp - Cheap Burial Plots.

"What? Too soon?"

Shoptalk

"Efficiency tombs available"

This Space Available.

"The family has spent all week crafting a beautiful service of words and pictures - far too sentimental to be of practical use."

"When you reach your expiration date, would you like to be crushed or recycled?"

'Gosh, really? That must be pretty grim...'

Dead Man's Handel

Goldfish funeral

"Just to be clear, you want suicide doors installed on your hearse?"

A signaller directing pallbearers

'I tend to bury stuff.'

'Cut! More sobbing, people! From the top...'