Funeral Directors Gifts

"Welcome Death, Inc."

Stimulating the Economy

Choosing a toilet bowl is a very personal decision, so take your time. Final Flush Funeral Home.

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

He looks so natural lying there...

"All we have left is standing room only."

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

'Pre-existing conditions - What did YOU die of?'

'What - no internet? No USB ports? No socket for the coffee machine? No phone? Are you crazy? My husband was a very important CEO!'

"'Grim Reapers' was considered too offensive, these days we're known as 'afterlife facilitators.'"

'As I recall you were the one who told him that he couldn't take it with him.'

Amy Winehouse, up in Rock N' Roll heaven.

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

Cricketer's funeral

'I used to be an accountant but I found it too depressing.'

Chicken Funeral Planning.

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

'Normally, I would appreciate your never-say-die-attitude...'

"What? Too soon?"

"Oh relax, I'm off the clock for another hour."

Shoptalk

Headstone reading 'Only Sleeping'.

"Hibernating! C'mon guys, I was only hibernating."

"The family has spent all week crafting a beautiful service of words and pictures - far too sentimental to be of practical use."

"Efficiency tombs available"

This Space Available.

"When you reach your expiration date, would you like to be crushed or recycled?"

'Gosh, really? That must be pretty grim...'

Dead Man's Handel

'Cut! More sobbing, people! From the top...'

A signaller directing pallbearers

'I tend to bury stuff.'

"We need to talk about your driving. Some of your passengers have been complaining."