Funeral Home Director Gifts

"Congrats, now you already have eight stamps on your loyalty card! One more dead husband, then the tenth is free!"

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

He looks so natural lying there...

"All we have left is standing room only."

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

'Pre-existing conditions - What did YOU die of?'

'What - no internet? No USB ports? No socket for the coffee machine? No phone? Are you crazy? My husband was a very important CEO!'

"'Grim Reapers' was considered too offensive, these days we're known as 'afterlife facilitators.'"

'As I recall you were the one who told him that he couldn't take it with him.'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

Amy Winehouse, up in Rock N' Roll heaven.

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

Cricketer's funeral

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

'I used to be an accountant but I found it too depressing.'

Chicken Funeral Planning.

This Space Available.

"Oh relax, I'm off the clock for another hour."

"What? Too soon?"

"Efficiency tombs available"

"Hibernating! C'mon guys, I was only hibernating."

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

Shoptalk

'Normally, I would appreciate your never-say-die-attitude...'

Headstone reading 'Only Sleeping'.

"The family has spent all week crafting a beautiful service of words and pictures - far too sentimental to be of practical use."

"When you reach your expiration date, would you like to be crushed or recycled?"

'Gosh, really? That must be pretty grim...'

Dead Man's Handel

"Just to be clear, you want suicide doors installed on your hearse?"

'I tend to bury stuff.'

Viking Funeral

"We need to talk about your driving. Some of your passengers have been complaining."

"What if you go under before I need to?"

A signaller directing pallbearers