Funeral Management Gifts

'We've been invited to a black tie do - your mother has died, dear.'

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"All we have left is standing room only."

He looks so natural lying there...

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

'He loved that dog.'

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

'Pre-existing conditions - What did YOU die of?'

'He was a great writer'

"'Grim Reapers' was considered too offensive, these days we're known as 'afterlife facilitators.'"

"David live a rich, full life, despite what his Wikipedia page says."

'What - no internet? No USB ports? No socket for the coffee machine? No phone? Are you crazy? My husband was a very important CEO!'

"It is now that moment when a close family member tries to speak of the deceased without choking up."

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

'As I recall you were the one who told him that he couldn't take it with him.'

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

"Personally, I of course loved Uncle Clarence, but Mr. Quibbles wants to say a few things."

Life after death

Amy Winehouse, up in Rock N' Roll heaven.

"I guess laughter wasn’t the best medicine."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

Life and Death

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

Follow me on Twitter...

'There's a little bit of my late husband in every glass - I used his ashes as a fining agent.'

"I feel terrible admitting this, but I'm sort of glad he's dead. One less thing to keep track of."

Cricketer's funeral

'He's a conspiracy theorist - he refuses to believe that Great Aunt Mildred is really dead.'

Heavenly Gazette This Heavenly Gazette is awfully thin. There doesn't seem to be a financial section Because you can't take it with you. There's no weather forecast. It's perfect every day. I don't see any sports scores. Everybody's a winner up here. And there are no political reports. Of course not in paradise we don't hear anything about politics!

Norman Wisdom at the Pearly Gates

2pm meet your Creator

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

A man in a little rowboat goes to his grave.

Ventriloquist Grave

'At least they did a good job on him.'