Funeral Minister Gifts

"In memory of the departed, for two minutes, we will keep our phones on silent."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

He looks so natural lying there...

"All we have left is standing room only."

'He loved that dog.'

'Pre-existing conditions - What did YOU die of?'

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

'He was a great writer'

"It is now that moment when a close family member tries to speak of the deceased without choking up."

'What - no internet? No USB ports? No socket for the coffee machine? No phone? Are you crazy? My husband was a very important CEO!'

"'Grim Reapers' was considered too offensive, these days we're known as 'afterlife facilitators.'"

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

'As I recall you were the one who told him that he couldn't take it with him.'

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Life after death

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

Amy Winehouse, up in Rock N' Roll heaven.

"I guess laughter wasn’t the best medicine."

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

"Personally, I of course loved Uncle Clarence, but Mr. Quibbles wants to say a few things."

Life and Death

'At least they did a good job on him.'

"I feel terrible admitting this, but I'm sort of glad he's dead. One less thing to keep track of."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

A man in a little rowboat goes to his grave.

'There's a little bit of my late husband in every glass - I used his ashes as a fining agent.'

Ventriloquist Grave

Cricketer's funeral

'Harry! - If you can hear me - what did you do with the remote!?'

'He never listened to his mother!'

2pm meet your Creator

'He's a conspiracy theorist - he refuses to believe that Great Aunt Mildred is really dead.'