Funeral Professional Gifts

"I can see the need to avoid log jams, but it is a bit impersonal."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"All we have left is standing room only."

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

He looks so natural lying there...

'Pre-existing conditions - What did YOU die of?'

"'Grim Reapers' was considered too offensive, these days we're known as 'afterlife facilitators.'"

'What - no internet? No USB ports? No socket for the coffee machine? No phone? Are you crazy? My husband was a very important CEO!'

"It is now that moment when a close family member tries to speak of the deceased without choking up."

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

'As I recall you were the one who told him that he couldn't take it with him.'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

Amy Winehouse, up in Rock N' Roll heaven.

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

'Oh no! I forgot to change his ring tone to the funeral march!'

Cricketer's funeral

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

'I used to be an accountant but I found it too depressing.'

Chicken Funeral Planning.

Quicksand Swamp - Cheap Burial Plots.

'Normally, I would appreciate your never-say-die-attitude...'

Shoptalk

"What? Too soon?"

"Hope you don't mind—it was his last request."

"Hibernating! C'mon guys, I was only hibernating."

"Efficiency tombs available"

"The family has spent all week crafting a beautiful service of words and pictures - far too sentimental to be of practical use."

"Oh relax, I'm off the clock for another hour."

This Space Available.

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

Headstone reading 'Only Sleeping'.

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

"When you reach your expiration date, would you like to be crushed or recycled?"

'Gosh, really? That must be pretty grim...'

Dead Man's Handel