Funeral Planners Gifts

I'd like to renew my life insurance policy. - 'Nope... no children. Nope... still single.' - 'Well, yes. I guess I can look forward to a 'kick ass' funeral in that case...' -

'I wouldn't be seen dead in a cardboard coffin!'

"Bluetooth costs extra."

"It is now that moment when a close family member tries to speak of the deceased without choking up."

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

'While I'm here, what are your favourite hymns?'

'Oh no! I forgot to change his ring tone to the funeral march!'

"Given a choice, would you prefer to be buried, cremated or converted to fossil fuel?"

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

Quicksand Swamp - Cheap Burial Plots.

"When you reach your expiration date, would you like to be crushed or recycled?"

"What do you mean, what's my favourite hymn?"

"It's just that they usually ask for their ASHES to be scattered!"

A signaller directing pallbearers

"I know I agreed to hold a funeral for Wendy's goldfish...but did she have to ask Reverend Clark to officiate?"

"What if you go under before I need to?"

"When I die, I'd like to die having sex..."

'Yes, we can easily place a gallon of Rocky Road in with your husband.'

'I tend to bury stuff.'

'Do you think there's anything after death?'

Coffin floating out of outflow pipe.

'You'd look good in that.'

'He arranged it himself. Let's face it he really was the skinflint's skinflint...'

"I want my ashes scattered over Bergdorf's."

"He will be remembered by his Google Assistant."

Tombstone: 'Paul F. Nelson, Doing the Dead Thing Exclusively at Greenmeadow Cemetery since Sept. 25, 2005'

Sympathy Cards

RIP...snores are coming from the grave.

"The doctors said it's just one of the side effects of the medication he's on."

"Hell of a way to end the summer."

O'Leary's Monuments

"Of course, in life he was allergic to them."

'If we do meet again in the after-life, you don't know me, o.k.?'

"Well...in that case you could consider our eco burial."