Funeral Planners Gifts

I'd like to renew my life insurance policy. - 'Nope... no children. Nope... still single.' - 'Well, yes. I guess I can look forward to a 'kick ass' funeral in that case...' -

'I wouldn't be seen dead in a cardboard coffin!'

"Bluetooth costs extra."

"It is now that moment when a close family member tries to speak of the deceased without choking up."

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

'Oh no! I forgot to change his ring tone to the funeral march!'

'While I'm here, what are your favourite hymns?'

"Given a choice, would you prefer to be buried, cremated or converted to fossil fuel?"

Quicksand Swamp - Cheap Burial Plots.

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

"When you reach your expiration date, would you like to be crushed or recycled?"

A signaller directing pallbearers

"What do you mean, what's my favourite hymn?"

"Harold died happy knowing he gained a certain immortality through social media."

"I know I agreed to hold a funeral for Wendy's goldfish...but did she have to ask Reverend Clark to officiate?"

"When I die, I'd like to die having sex..."

"It's just that they usually ask for their ASHES to be scattered!"

"What if you go under before I need to?"

Coffin floating out of outflow pipe.

'Yes, we can easily place a gallon of Rocky Road in with your husband.'

'Do you think there's anything after death?'

We think he's dead, but why don

'He arranged it himself. Let's face it he really was the skinflint's skinflint...'

'I tend to bury stuff.'

'You'd look good in that.'

"I want my ashes scattered over Bergdorf's."

Tombstone: 'Paul F. Nelson, Doing the Dead Thing Exclusively at Greenmeadow Cemetery since Sept. 25, 2005'

O'Leary's Monuments

Sympathy Cards

"Of course, in life he was allergic to them."

"The doctors said it's just one of the side effects of the medication he's on."

"Hell of a way to end the summer."

"He will be remembered by his Google Assistant."

Relax, it's fake fur.