Funeral Planner In Training Gifts

Quicksand Swamp - Cheap Burial Plots.

"It is now that moment when a close family member tries to speak of the deceased without choking up."

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

'While I'm here, what are your favourite hymns?'

'Oh no! I forgot to change his ring tone to the funeral march!'

"Given a choice, would you prefer to be buried, cremated or converted to fossil fuel?"

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

"Harold died happy knowing he gained a certain immortality through social media."

"I know I agreed to hold a funeral for Wendy's goldfish...but did she have to ask Reverend Clark to officiate?"

"When I die, I'd like to die having sex..."

A signaller directing pallbearers

"It's just that they usually ask for their ASHES to be scattered!"

"We need to talk about your driving. Some of your passengers have been complaining."

"What do you mean, what's my favourite hymn?"

"What if you go under before I need to?"

'You'd look good in that.'

'He arranged it himself. Let's face it he really was the skinflint's skinflint...'

'Do you think there's anything after death?'

'I tend to bury stuff.'

We think he's dead, but why don

'Yes, we can easily place a gallon of Rocky Road in with your husband.'

Coffin floating out of outflow pipe.

"I want my ashes scattered over Bergdorf's."

O'Leary's Monuments

Tombstone: 'Paul F. Nelson, Doing the Dead Thing Exclusively at Greenmeadow Cemetery since Sept. 25, 2005'

'I wouldn't be seen dead in a cardboard coffin!'

'If we do meet again in the after-life, you don't know me, o.k.?'

"The doctors said it's just one of the side effects of the medication he's on."

"Of course, in life he was allergic to them."

Relax, it's fake fur.

"Hell of a way to end the summer."

"He will be remembered by his Google Assistant."

Sympathy Cards

RIP...snores are coming from the grave.