Funeral Planner Gifts

'I prearranged and prepaid my funeral. I shouldn't have to stand in line.'

'Poor old Stanley. He was only 3 months away from paying off his student loan.'

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

Over Pre Planning: 'I bought you a suit for my funeral.'

'Yes, we can easily place a gallon of Rocky Road in with your husband.'

"The doctors said it's just one of the side effects of the medication he's on."

"He always said he was going to take it with him."

"She requested a twilight service because she wasn't a mourning person."

"It is now that moment when a close family member tries to speak of the deceased without choking up."

'Couldn't you just spontaneously combust!'

U-can take it with you funerals.

'Don't forget to tell them to throw a handbasket into the coffin.'

'I tend to bury stuff.'

'I want to be buried in the smoking section!'

'His pacemaker's lasting longer than he did.'

"It was a impulse buy"

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

Budget Cremations

"No, the urns are pretty much one size fits all."

A widow waves at the hearse which is stuck in traffic.

"Who are we gonna keep up with now that the Joneses are gone?"

'Oh no! I forgot to change his ring tone to the funeral march!'

"Sit down, Peter, you can't object at a funeral."

"I know I agreed to hold a funeral for Wendy's goldfish...but did she have to ask Reverend Clark to officiate?"

'I'd like to try some coffins.' - 'Let me show you our standard size.' - 'It feels a bit tight around the waist.' - 'How are you looking to die?' - 'I don't know, really.' - 'I'd recommend a wasting disease.' -

'You'd look good in that.'

"Say - do we really want to bury this Armani necktie?"

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

'While I'm here, what are your favourite hymns?'

"Given a choice, would you prefer to be buried, cremated or converted to fossil fuel?"

Quicksand Swamp - Cheap Burial Plots.

"When you reach your expiration date, would you like to be crushed or recycled?"

"When I die, I'd like to die having sex..."

"It's just that they usually ask for their ASHES to be scattered!"

A signaller directing pallbearers