Funeral Planner's Buddy Gifts

"It is now that moment when a close family member tries to speak of the deceased without choking up."

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

'Oh no! I forgot to change his ring tone to the funeral march!'

'While I'm here, what are your favourite hymns?'

"He intends to die with dignity, he desires a modest funeral, and he's determined to prevent the buzzards from getting any part of the estate."

"Given a choice, would you prefer to be buried, cremated or converted to fossil fuel?"

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

Quicksand Swamp - Cheap Burial Plots.

"When I die, I'd like to die having sex..."

"I know I agreed to hold a funeral for Wendy's goldfish...but did she have to ask Reverend Clark to officiate?"

A signaller directing pallbearers

"What do you mean, what's my favourite hymn?"

"What if you go under before I need to?"

"It's just that they usually ask for their ASHES to be scattered!"

'I tend to bury stuff.'

'Do you think there's anything after death?'

'You'd look good in that.'

'He arranged it himself. Let's face it he really was the skinflint's skinflint...'

Coffin floating out of outflow pipe.

'Yes, we can easily place a gallon of Rocky Road in with your husband.'

"I want my ashes scattered over Bergdorf's."

'If we do meet again in the after-life, you don't know me, o.k.?'

"The doctors said it's just one of the side effects of the medication he's on."

"Of course, in life he was allergic to them."

RIP...snores are coming from the grave.

"Hell of a way to end the summer."

Tombstone: 'Paul F. Nelson, Doing the Dead Thing Exclusively at Greenmeadow Cemetery since Sept. 25, 2005'

'I wouldn't be seen dead in a cardboard coffin!'

"He will be remembered by his Google Assistant."

O'Leary's Monuments

Sympathy Cards