New Home Humorist Pillows

'I guess you could say he's my pet - he came with the house.'

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

"Does knowing you're being watched on a baby monitor keep you out of mischief?"

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

'Wow! Your kid looks a lot like you!'

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

'Good thing it has a child-proof cap.'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Child Being Dirty in the Bath.

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

Yard Sale

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

The Mothership

"Scientists have extended the life of the fruit fly."

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

Baby reading 'To do list'.

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

"They also left a pamphlet on the benefits of breast feeding."

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

"This diaper makes my butt look big..."

Vocation,vocation,vocation.

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

'No, I've not got names for them but I've got one for my husband!'

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

"I see the cat's left us another little offering."