New Home Humorist Gifts

'I guess you could say he's my pet - he came with the house.'

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

"Does knowing you're being watched on a baby monitor keep you out of mischief?"

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

'Wow! Your kid looks a lot like you!'

'Good thing it has a child-proof cap.'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

Child Being Dirty in the Bath.

Yard Sale

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

The Mothership

"Scientists have extended the life of the fruit fly."

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

Baby reading 'To do list'.

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

"They also left a pamphlet on the benefits of breast feeding."

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

Vocation,vocation,vocation.

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

"This diaper makes my butt look big..."

'No, I've not got names for them but I've got one for my husband!'

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

'Breasts can be so rude. So often they start without me.'

"I see the cat's left us another little offering."