Home Sweet Home Humorist Pillows

'Looks like you're underwater on your mortgage.'

'I had a house for that price, but it sold in 1962.'

"It's like a tiny house, but bigger."

"It's true that the basement's flooded, but it's stocked."

"Well one step down from our 'Luxury Executive Mansion' is our 'crap terrace with outside loo'."

An eskimo shows off his new igloo - 'This place has all the latest features including an 'ig-loo'...'

"This place has a water view if you're looking at the mortgage."

"By offering your home as security, you are giving the lender a legal claim to your property."

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

Yard Sale

'Dinner will be ready soon -- the submarine sandwiches are soaking now.'

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

"I see the cat's left us another little offering."

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'