New Child Gifts

'You didn't play 'Baby Einstein' tapes while Tyler was In Utero?'

"So who did you beget?"

"John thinks he's got my neuroses imprinted on him already, but I say that the OCD is pure John."

'They had three puppies and four kids before me: It's almost impossible to find a piece of furniture that hasn't been chewed on...'

"When my Tia Maggie got married, she wanted 8 kids...and her husband wanted 2 kids."

City Zoo: Day Care

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

'Please tell me you're baby sitting?'

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

"His first out-of-body experience."

'Why don't they make thumb-flavored baby food?'

“She’s in her abstract expressionism phase.”

A young Don King

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

Batman at the Maternity Ward

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Cry babies.

The Baby Walker

baby sweetcorn...

'I told you it would be useful.'

'Ahhh...'

Santa Claus's Mail

'Br'er Fox said 'I'm going to throw you into the briar patch'...And Br'er Rabbit said, 'Please,please don't taser me!''

'I've had some baby sized clubs made.'

'Don't worry. It's never too hot or never too cold.'

Interior design trends for parents....

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

'Honey, where's my cell phone?'

Late night teddy reading

Pool attached to child's bed.

'You call it a bra. I call it excess packaging.'

Swinging on a star.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."