New-age Humorists Pillows

"You have been found guilty of smug self-righteous pseudo-spirituality. I sentenced you to a period of six months with your wind chimes strapped to your head."

"Hey, the neighbors just installed a new wifi router."

"Kevin, I'm leaving you to find myself ... a better Internet connection."

The Woodstock Medical-Emergency Tent - 1994

Pop Top Ice FIshing

This man is an island.

Road rage on a mobility scooter.

"You text LOL, but you have yet to actualize LOL..."

'Looks like this part of the beach has been claimed.'

'The little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home and shopped online...'

Liberals' Wishful Thinking about Joe Biden

"He doesn't have to worry about his preschool placement - he interviews well."

"What do you mean, 'I'm in good shape for a man of forty'? I'm only twenty-six!"

Gotta take you out, kid – You're getting booed off the field on my Twitter feed.

"The most common adverse vaccine reaction after the first dose is trying to get the second dose."

"These days, I don't eat homework. I just install ransomware."

Third eye

'The prisons are full, so I'm sentencing you to marry Rosie O'Donnell.'

'I sculpt what I see, Miss Delsey.'

"Bloody Cyclops!"

Don Quixote and Dulcinea

'Sorry, but my liability insurance no longer allows me to grant that wish.'

"Prospecting ain't what it used to be."

'Did you know that your lips move when you paint?'

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Chris Matthews'

Dad Socks / Dad Sex

The Ventriloquist's Arms

"She comes with breast implants,a kiss and tell diary and a reality T.V deal."

"Good news, we found a plant the cured baldness."

"I thought you turned location services off."

Not in the mood for human interaction line

Heisenberg Witness Protection Program

"I want to be a spam master when I grow up. You'll find a sample of my work on your computer."

Live: Middle Aged Men

'Well I didn't get any birthday cards, so I've printed out my birthday texts.'