New-age Humorists Pillows

"You have been found guilty of smug self-righteous pseudo-spirituality. I sentenced you to a period of six months with your wind chimes strapped to your head."

"Hey, the neighbors just installed a new wifi router."

"Kevin, I'm leaving you to find myself ... a better Internet connection."

The Woodstock Medical-Emergency Tent - 1994

Pop Top Ice FIshing

This man is an island.

Road rage on a mobility scooter.

'The little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home and shopped online...'

'Looks like this part of the beach has been claimed.'

"You text LOL, but you have yet to actualize LOL..."

"What do you mean, 'I'm in good shape for a man of forty'? I'm only twenty-six!"

"He doesn't have to worry about his preschool placement - he interviews well."

"The most common adverse vaccine reaction after the first dose is trying to get the second dose."

"These days, I don't eat homework. I just install ransomware."

Third eye

Don Quixote and Dulcinea

"Bloody Cyclops!"

'I sculpt what I see, Miss Delsey.'

'The prisons are full, so I'm sentencing you to marry Rosie O'Donnell.'

'Sorry, but my liability insurance no longer allows me to grant that wish.'

'Did you know that your lips move when you paint?'

"Prospecting ain't what it used to be."

The Ventriloquist's Arms

"She comes with breast implants,a kiss and tell diary and a reality T.V deal."

"Good news, we found a plant the cured baldness."

Dad Socks / Dad Sex

"I thought you turned location services off."

Not in the mood for human interaction line

Heisenberg Witness Protection Program

'Firstly Madame, the Green Grocer is across the road and secondly that should explain why your 'bananas' are vibrating...!'

"Face it, Dear, we're in a desperate battle with gravity...and it's winning!"

'Well I didn't get any birthday cards, so I've printed out my birthday texts.'