Nervous Speaker Gifts

"This is what I did on my summer vacation....please hold your questions till the end."

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

"I don't know what I'm going to do...my presentation is due on Monday and I haven't even started...I'm not sure I know how to speak."

'Should I try a three point turn?' - 'Better not, we only have 30 minutes left.'

'I see you've managed to cut your coffee consumption in half.'

'Half-crazed with nerves Petey Otterloop awaits the start of the winter concert.'

"Stop telling me how well you did on the written."

'Tell me a little bit about yourself.'

'Unfortunately, medical science hasn't come up with a cure for 'stock market jitters.'

"I just remembered... I forgot to turn off the sink."

"Tough group."

'You two will have lots in common - you share the same anxiety neurosis.'

'Would you mind holding my hand Jim? The truth is, I'm deathly afraid of flying.'

Product Recall (aeroplane)

'They say the secret to public speaking is to pick out one person in the audience and talk to him.' 'Well, did you?' 'Yeah. Unfortunately the person I picked out was snickering, pointing and whispering to the guy next to him.'

"Hurry it up, Solomon Brothers are waiting for my decision"

"Patient. . . seems. . . reluctant. . . to get his. . . prostate. . . checked. . ."

"Of course, I would suggest a shot of novacaine."

"What do you do?""I'm a layer. The law. I do law. I practice law. I'm an attorney. Something legal."

'You could work at any fortune 500 company... Why have you applied at our little shop?'

'That's just for videos, Jeffrey -- book reports don't have to have FBI warnings.'

'Nobody believes a word I say!' 'Oh, come now!'

'No matter how often I do the show, I still suffer from stage fright...'

'It's to protect me from the splattering. Now open wide.'

"Just get out there and be yourself – or better yet, someone like me."

'Your first major investment decision?'

"You have a very long fault line. That's why your hands are trembling."

"Our next act...Cruzini, the world's greatest magician!"

Excess Baggage: The conception of electronic ticketing still has a few airline passengers spooked.

'I hope buying this house won't sink us.'

'I don't think he is a confident flyer.'

'What if I want to stop? Where's the pause button?'

"If you hear me scream . . . Dear God, Jesus Christ, what are you doing, then I want you to apply your foot to the brake!"

Expense Culture Advice.

It's rude to laugh behind someone's back. Unless it happens to be a painfully shy comedian. Then it's rude not to.