Needlepoint Humorist Gifts

'Isn't that an awful big needle for such a tiny dog?'

'I'll never let my love of fishing come between us.'

Guru about mountaintop covering: 'My wife knitted it.'

The latest craze in party games: needlepoint charades.

'All right, who sewed in the disposable diaper?'

"There's a programme about people watching TV on the other channel."

"They should've called me for the sketch instead. She's not even funny. What a complete bomb-ala."

A woman needlepoints a barcode.

Echo Echo Point Point.

Porcupine reading book on 'Needlepoint'

"The viewers seem to be sated with stupid shows, senseless movies and embarrassing celebs. That's why our black screen has got the best viewing figures!"

Knockout!

'We will need a standard resume in addition to this beautiful needlepoint recommendation from your mother.'

'I hope it's a quick knockout, I'm double parked.'

Ask Sadie. Actual questions from actual readers! Dear Sadie, I'm twelve years old and I still can't make a half-court shot in basketball. What should I do? - Moe. Moe, I know you want a quick fix, but there's no substitute for hard work. Master the half-court shot the way I mastered needle-point, practice five hours a day for seventy-five years … while giving your competitors backhanded compliments. With diligence, you'll eventually outlive anyone who knows your failings … which means they never

Two victorian women sitting on a bobbin

"If I ever get my own business, I'm going to practice the Golden Rule."

'I wish you wouldn't carry knives in your trousers - they make such holes in your pockets!'

'How long have you been unemployed? I have never seen a resume prepared in needlepoint.'

Ha-ha, it's true! Hunters are from a faraway place, gatherers are from

I get knocked down and I stay there

'You really don't get this 'going clubbing' thing ... '

Before Powerpoint Presentations

Zorro repairs his trousers.

Needlepoint Viewpoint

Never give up! Unless it's really h.....

It's not as sexy as hunting or gathering, but I'm the guy who makes sense of it all.

Grandma Knits Up A Storm

Comb Sweet Comb.

Attack of the killer snails!

Two tramps talk about the TysonLewis fight.

'And then the jury decided that I was ready for a long term relationship with the penal code system.'

"Is that how yo do the Vulcan nerve grip?" "No, it's rheumatoid athritis."

"The following program is brought to you by the women's movement."

At last, a reality show that actually has some basis in reality!