Natural Products Gifts

Anita Roddick

Wow! Look at these cool shower presents. Nature's Baby Boutique. 100% natural baby soaps, changing pads, bottle holders, safety gates and classical music tapes. Plus stroller, crib and swaddling blankets. Without all this stuff � How could you ever have a natural baby?

Some scents are nonsense.

'I'm going to have to cut it - Daddy is complaining about the shampoo bill again.'

'Maybe I should get a shopping cart.'

'I'm into natural foods, Joe -- give me a martini with a soybean in it.'

"But I've seen a million wind-up monkeys. Wait! Did you say it bangs on a snare drum?"

The sword in the all-natural impossible-to-stir peanut butter.

"So we all love Cuddly Poo, but to cover ourselves, better run it by day care."

"It's all locally-sourced, made from scratch."

Biodegradable helium balloons.

"How many more times, you've got hayfever, so no, you can't have any cannabis oil."

'Yes, the wood on this pencil is from a renewable source.'

"I'm not feeling well. I'm picking up a few things at my pharmacy."

'Can we move the beef jerky a smidge and display our organic cleanser?'

I'm not buying a $25 set of boring hooded towels off a big box store baby shower registry. Mom fights the man! The local baby boutique will have a hipper selection. So true! Catch those adorable all-organic, artist-designed towels! Cute! And only $55 each! My pretentions are never cheap!

Ariel prepares for her big date.

'And here's the crown jewel of the collection. It's an '86, totally organic, and the UK Bag Manufacturers' Association rates it a 99.'

"What is it going to be, a breakfast or shampoo?"

'Bovine Growth Hormone.'

"Lay off the natural remedies. You're beginning to ferment."

Sir, we have plenty of fine herbal tea for you to sample...but you're drinking the potpourri.

"It's powered by clean hydroelectricity from Norwegian fjords and built from 100% recycled shopping bags. We call it the Smugmobile!"

"I'm hoping for herb immunity."

"That shampoo was delicious!"

"You have a very rare conditioner."

'This bottle stainless steel cleaner...if it's stainless...why would you need a cleaner?'

'Everything here is organic, free range, naturally produced, locally sourced, pesticide free, minimally packaged and fairly traded - and yet, ironically, I am a complete bastard.'

"If you ask me, your Christmas gift return policy is too liberal."

"And this is the ultimate in low-flush toilets!"

Medusa, 6 P.M. Friday.

"He'll definitely notice this one madam, especially if you leave the receipt where he can find it."

"Sorry mate - I can't come to the pub after the match because I've got to embarrass myself filming an advert for moisturiser."

'Have you seen my lucky shower cap?'

'I'm not happy with my 'honey and lilac' shampoo.'