Mustard Maven Gifts

"...while 86 million prefer grilled cheese, and 57.4 million of them like mustard on it."

"This was a wicked-hard test. I'm pretty sure everybody got a bad grade."

"Like that?"

'I suppose you think that's funny.'

'But why do you want to transmute asparagus into cotton?'

'I'm putting you on a diet: No more fat knights, maidens only...'

"It's your ribs. I'm afraid they're delicious."

"Last chance, or Max here has ways of making you talk."

Don't bother Daddy -- he's just upset because Lady Godiva joined the anti-Crusade movement.'

'But sinister gales - with that armour?'

Masterpiece?

'There are shortcuts to making home brew, but taking a swig of malt extract and letting it ferment in your mouth isn't one of them.'

Life is ghoul

Facial hair continental drift.

'You can read, right? -- I want you to check this thing for loopholes.'

'It's had the best reviews I've ever written.'

Dijon Vu

"It's a sprain in your left porterhouse."

The Venerable Bede

'I'll accept that excuse for now, but you need to have a brain by Monday.'

Trilby - 'The Moon-dial'.

'That was your grandfather -- his catapult went off while he was cleaning it.'

In his Last Moments, A Soldier Seeks Forgiveness for his Sins (History of the Crusades).

Whodunits

An empty 'crime' section in a bookhop

"Mummy was right: - I should've married the dragon...!"

CIA - Incognito/Outcognito.

'The next time he misses the paper, we're giving him away.'

'We only stay together for the sake of the Holy Roman Empire.'

"How would I know how long he'll be? I'm not the psychic!"

Shakespeare in the park Mickey Spillane in the alley.

'I made a list of bikes I want to look at today. You may want to eat before we go, as this may take awhile.'

Vlad the Employer