Mustard Maven T-Shirts

"...while 86 million prefer grilled cheese, and 57.4 million of them like mustard on it."

"This was a wicked-hard test. I'm pretty sure everybody got a bad grade."

"Like that?"

'I suppose you think that's funny.'

Sadie, I just heard something disturbing, and I think you're the only one who can tell me whether it's true. Youtube is telling me we've lived 300 years of phantom time. Pope Gregory XIII's math was off when he created our calendar, and this is actually the year 1717. What's more, the "Middle Ages" is just a fiction the pope created to explain his rounding error. You were there, Sadie ... Did King Arthur really exist? I'll tell you all about that nice boy, as soon as I demonstrate how we dealt w

'But why do you want to transmute asparagus into cotton?'

'I'm putting you on a diet: No more fat knights, maidens only...'

"It's your ribs. I'm afraid they're delicious."

Facial hair continental drift.

"Last chance, or Max here has ways of making you talk."

'But sinister gales - with that armour?'

'There are shortcuts to making home brew, but taking a swig of malt extract and letting it ferment in your mouth isn't one of them.'

C Day Lewis.

Masterpiece?

Life is ghoul

Don't bother Daddy -- he's just upset because Lady Godiva joined the anti-Crusade movement.'

'You can read, right? -- I want you to check this thing for loopholes.'

'It's had the best reviews I've ever written.'

Trilby - 'The Moon-dial'.

'I'll accept that excuse for now, but you need to have a brain by Monday.'

Dijon Vu

"It's a sprain in your left porterhouse."

The Venerable Bede

Whodunits

An empty 'crime' section in a bookhop

'That was your grandfather -- his catapult went off while he was cleaning it.'

In his Last Moments, A Soldier Seeks Forgiveness for his Sins (History of the Crusades).

CIA - Incognito/Outcognito.

'The next time he misses the paper, we're giving him away.'

"Mummy was right: - I should've married the dragon...!"

"How would I know how long he'll be? I'm not the psychic!"

'We only stay together for the sake of the Holy Roman Empire.'

Shakespeare in the park Mickey Spillane in the alley.

'I made a list of bikes I want to look at today. You may want to eat before we go, as this may take awhile.'

Vlad the Employer