Music Punster Gifts

"I'm not that kind of pro-Bono lawyer."

'I'm trying to get a Handel on classical music, but I'm finding that it's one step forward and two steps Bach.'

"What's a cow doing in my classroom?"

"I got ninety-nine problems, but a birch ain't one!"

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

E-vac-u-ate! E-vac-u-ate! . . . I've just farted. . ."

'Jurassic Pork.'

Dogs life

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

Mystery of the Poets

Note Book

"Igor, you fool! I said 'healthy brain'!"

Supermarket Warehouse. At night, with just security here, the products sing classic karaoke. The orange juice is belting Elvis'"All Shook Up." Peanut butter and jelly performed a duet of "Love Will Keep Us Together." children's breakfast cereal sang "Sugar, Sugar." And sriracha sauce did a rendition of "Great Balls of Fire"! What song will the ground beef choose? Jimmy Buffett's "Cheeseburger in Paradise," of course!

Optometrist Humor

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

"No, I'm not a hare, I just happen to have big ears..."

A-Hem! I'm still singing here!

Bill Johnson 1914-2000: Server Timed Out.

"I want to be upfront. At this point, I'm only looking for a casual hookup of Frankenstein."

"Norman is an island."

'My mom says an apple a day keeps the physician's assistant away.'

'Hey, Lady, this is a sixty zone!'

Professional Cell Phone Accessories

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, all we ask for Mr. Whitman is poetic justice."

'I'm the veterinarian of Cheshire who spays and neuters Cheshire pets.'

"Your manuscript is utter trash, of course. How does a half-million first printing sound to you?"

'I think he'll be okay. He had a mild brush stroke.'

Surfin' the web.

Erie was once in New York, Maine used to be part of Massachusetts and West Virginia was carved out of Virginia. Ah, "altered states"!

Mobile Holmes.

'I have a rasp in my throat.'

Baby Grand Larceny