Music Critics Gifts

"Of course I'm going to give him a tip - he should take lessons!"

"And you believe your condition has worsened since listening to our 'hold' music?"

No Elgar!

"Sorry, the sound of your chewing sends me into a rage."

"I guess someone got up on the wrong side of the podium today."

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

"New studies show that the so-called 'lucky man' made popular by the prog-rock band Emerson, Lake and Palmer was, in fact, just very well-connected."

Elvis fan holding a sign reading 'NOT MY KING'.

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

"I'm astounded that your dog is channeling Eubie Blake! Has he never heard of Elton John?"

'What was the first music they ever said 'this isn't even music' about?'

The Music Critic.

"This next song is about narrow-minded record executives and their reluctance to take a chance on anything a bit different."

'Horace spends his spare time being a rock critic.'

Philip Larkin

A singer being criticised

"Coming up... more of the same mindless pop songs with repetitive lyrics and nauseating melodies!"

"You play that song once more and I'll break both your hands!"

'I hate these purists who play Bach without any pedal'

Snake Eats the Snake Charmer.

"I don't do spells. I'm a wizard at deciphering rap lyrics."

Pianist being pelted with tomatoes.

"What do you mean, who are my influences?"

Focus Groupies

The New York Times-Carnegie Hall Poll

"I'm composing a song for the new administration. It's entitled, 'Hell to the chief'."

"It's witless, repetitive, and irritating. It's great!"

"'50 Shades of Grey?' - Oh you mean the 'Guide to Modern Music...'"

Smashed harp...

The critic as band leader