Mundane Philosopher Gifts

"It says here you once ordered take-out for twenty-seven nights in a row. What kind of person does that?"

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

Nonsense Poem

'Today we will lock the monkey in a room...' 'Why do I volunteer for this?'

'Oh no...I'm living the dream.'

"The good news is it's brightening up..."

"You have arrived at your destination."

Pig philosophy class - 'I'm pink, therefore I'm ham'

'If only I could accept that I can't accept being someone who finds it hard to accept acceptance from those who accept me for the person that I can't accept I really am.'

30% Heredity, 70% Environment

Toilet roll beauty tips.

The End is Near. Have A Cone.

"If we pull this off, we've made burglary history!"

'I would be more health conscious if only I could also be unconscious.'

"How the hell are you?"

'The light stays on after I shut the door.'

Oy Vey...

'I'm leaving, I want to see the world. I can't stay here and spend my life watching grass grow!'

"Recycling has become the high point of my week."

Shrinking beggar.

Two Men Having Showdown On Small Hill-Top

"Which would you prefer - coming under fire or being raked over the coals?"

'There must be an elephant in the room.'

"The end is near."

'You have to wonder sometimes: What do you think he does with all our milk?'

'This is security. Looks like we have an escape from cubicle 36.'

'If you bark your head off all night in a forest and no one hears you, are you still a bad dog?'

"Your parking meter is expired, your license is expired, your plates are expired, your city sticker is expired, your insurance is expired, your library card is expired..."

"Why didn't you wear a mask?"

Please stand by...for view.

'So? -- What could be more Zen than empty calories?'

Men discussing tactics of getting a drink from the bar

'Somewhere in all of this, there's a great idea for a cartoon.'

'Sometimes I wonder if I spend too much time throwing batteries at seagulls?'

The world will end tomorrow! - "Do I look crazy? I lend you ten bucks...the world ends...and I never get ten bucks back!"