Philosopher Of The Absurd Gifts

'If it's any consolation, we're the worlds foremost meritocracy: no pain, no gain,'

Donations.

"The end is near."

"How the hell are you?"

"Your insurance plan doesn't cover Acts of God because you're an atheist."

"Which would you prefer - coming under fire or being raked over the coals?"

"You sinned! I'm not going to argue with you about it!"

'There must be an elephant in the room.'

'Somewhere in all of this, there's a great idea for a cartoon.'

'What really worries me is that I was never baptized.'

"I thought we agreed you weren't going to work at home."

'Germaine, what did you do with my desk?'

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

"Now you can send it."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

Nonsense Poem

"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities."

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

Bird in a chair with a human in a cage.

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

'Today we will lock the monkey in a room...' 'Why do I volunteer for this?'

Baseball.

'Have you seen the ruddy margins the Chinese expect us to take up for this work?'

The pop-culture critic's annual existential crisis."

Operation.

UFO and snowman

'Miss Jones, take this down.'

'Bad as this may look, it's actually the perfect accompaniment with your entree.'

Salome on Settle (also called Maitresse d'Orchestre) - intended for book but suppressed

"Apparently he only uses fugitive colours."

Minefield! Thank you for treading carefully.

'Ok, now if everyone could just hold still.'

'Nobody special, but rich enough to build this statue of himself.