Ponderer Of Absurdities Gifts

The pop-culture critic's annual existential crisis."

"I thought we agreed you weren't going to work at home."

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

"Now you can send it."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

Bird in a chair with a human in a cage.

Salvador Dali's cats.

Operation.

Baseball.

'Miss Jones, take this down.'

'Have you seen the ruddy margins the Chinese expect us to take up for this work?'

UFO and snowman

"The good news is it's brightening up..."

Salome on Settle (also called Maitresse d'Orchestre) - intended for book but suppressed

'Bad as this may look, it's actually the perfect accompaniment with your entree.'

"Apparently he only uses fugitive colours."

Minefield! Thank you for treading carefully.

'Ok, now if everyone could just hold still.'

'Nobody special, but rich enough to build this statue of himself.

Trapeze artists commuting

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

"Is there any way we could describe this bit of old tart that would make a Russian oligarch pay £2 million for it?"

A patient, a doctor and a deep sea diver

'Pardon me. Can you tell me where 9 West 57th is?'

Albert should have known that cactuses rarely have change. Besides, they prefer jazz.

"I was going to call you but I remembered I left some empty oxygen canisters on Mt. Everest."

'You're too fussy - the coffee isn't THAT bad!'

"How the hell are you?"

'Man, this elevator goes on forever...'

"Being a 'fly on the wall' is way overrated."

A Heated Argument

Tourist is told to go home by a monument