Mum-to-be Gifts

"Mum, we had sex-education at school today: is that really what happened to Daddy?!"

"We're going to have a chipolata."

"Great! I must be growing. The womb was less than half full last week."

Pool attached to child's bed.

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

A newborn parachutes to safety after the stork carrying him gets hit by a plane.

"No wonder babies are born screaming. I haven't had a wink of sleep since the exit light came on!"

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

"That's all I get? A sonogram? No tracking number?"

"The amnio's fine, the sex is male, and the name is Wade."

'Are you pregnant? How do you know? You look terrible!'

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

Same Day Delivery: "I wish!"

"We realize that kids start using technology at a younger age these days, so our strollers come with Bluetooth, Wi-Fi and GPS."

I'm accused of kicking you in the womb, but your evidence is purely circumstantial. Lawyer baby.

No kicking: 12-6 Mon-Sun

"Aah! Bless! Look at him on his I-pad!"

Child using building blocks to get over a baby gate.

"Be sure and eat your frozen vegetables."

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

Amazon Drones Delivering Babies

"No, Justin, I said, will you come to antenatal class with me."

'A Caesarian? - But I want my son to be a natural-born citizen!'

So … you do a lot of yoga?

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

'With these alternative fertility treatments you never quite know how things turn out,'

Mary, remember that you're pregnant and are now eating for 2,000.

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

"You go out first. Signal me if it's safe!!"

In the DNA Kitchen

"What is it? You're not wet or hungry. Mommy's not a mind reader. OK, I am, but I've never been very good at it."

The Impractical Guide to having a baby.

An expecting Flower wearing a 'Baby here, arrow t-shirt' saying BUD

"They look so young and helpless."

"Tut tut. You're only having a baby, if you had my flu last week you'd know what real pain was."