Mom-to-be Gifts

'Feel free to get a second opinion. I can give you the number to my mom.'

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

"Be sure and eat your frozen vegetables."

"What is it? You're not wet or hungry. Mommy's not a mind reader. OK, I am, but I've never been very good at it."

1,001 names to Embarrass Your Child for Life.

'How about some ice cream of wheat...hold the wheat?'

'When I get older I want to be just like you, Mom, only more tech savvy.'

"My favorite painting? That's like asking who's my favorite child. It's Michael."

"Hi Mom, I'm stuck in a tornado."

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

"We're going to have a chipolata."

"Juding by your expression, your mom made kale for dinner."

You and your alternative pregnancy.

'What do you mean you want a tip?'

'Yes, you have to say a prayer of thanks for the shrimp. Just a little one.'

'Come watch TV with me, Mom. This movie is for young and old.'

'You were a ten month baby. The postman brought you.'

"This is my mom's phone. Instead of a hashtag, it has a pound sign."

Instant Gratification Cafe.

"It's a birthing position, Dan. Quit yelling 'Hike.'"

Eat your vegetables

Pool attached to child's bed.

A newborn parachutes to safety after the stork carrying him gets hit by a plane.

"No wonder babies are born screaming. I haven't had a wink of sleep since the exit light came on!"

"That's all I get? A sonogram? No tracking number?"

"The amnio's fine, the sex is male, and the name is Wade."

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

No kicking: 12-6 Mon-Sun

"Congratulations. It's a chick."

Same Day Delivery: "I wish!"

Child using building blocks to get over a baby gate.

"No, Justin, I said, will you come to antenatal class with me."

'A Caesarian? - But I want my son to be a natural-born citizen!'

Amazon Drones Delivering Babies

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'