Mp Gifts

Politician's mask

'I think this unparliamentary language all started with the oath of allegiance!...They were asked: 'Do you Swear'...'

'Following the referendum defeat, your breakfast will remain continental.'

"Congratulations, Henderson. I've decided to make you, 'Minister in charge of cock-ups'."

"I want to make a difference." " Me too, so I've got a new panic alarm."

"'Brexit is a f*****g disaster' means 'Brexit is a f*****g disaster'!"

Pouting Brexiteer

"The gravy train at platform 2 will be calling at all stations to Westminster."

Kenneth Clarke

'When do you last remember having your soul?'

"I've just watched 'Prime Minister's Questions' - I'm not really up for another firework display."

Commons Christmas Traditions

'...and I take pleasure in commending Senator Swatsky for a perfect attendance record.'

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

Political Standards 2012...How low did your lot go?

Michael Portillo

'No wonder you've got insomnia - you sleep all day in the House of Commons.'

MP opens letter - A tiny lady pops out of envelope.

Andrew Bonar-Law

"Our new MP promised a new politics, no more sleaze...a focus on local issues, on local needs. He said he wanted to be an old fashioned constituency MP."

"When they said they were going to recruit outside of the profession....I thought they meant lawyers and doctors....Not MPs."

Michael Portillo

Denis Healey

How To Spot A Politician

Monster Baseball. The team's continuing to have some problems this season. Jekyll is good one day and bad the next. Dracula only shows up for night games. The Mummy is always covered in bandages and on the injured list. And King Kong can't keep his mind on the game --- Whenever he sees a pretty woman, he climbs up into the stands after her! At least Frankenstein has been pitching great again, just like when he was young! Yeah, he has a completely new arm!

"Good game."

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

"Just be yourself."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Showbiz Awards

'Wow! That was some world series, Ella! Both Pujols and Holland were just amazing...'

"My political platform focuses on more ice cream and more frisbee chasing, with less chores and fewer baths."

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

"This is the most important election of our lifetime."