Gp Gifts

'In principal we're happy with the 'trust' idea...as long as it's properly monitored and regulated.'

'Do you remember when all we had to do was look after people?'

Man confusing man using statistics.

'A rare skin disease, but there are pills for that!'

'I'm afraid there's been a 23% cut in the 'empathy and compassion' budget so you'll have to tell him to sod off now!'

'These pamphlets will explain the procedure and these leaflets will explain the pamphlets.'

'Do I know about incontinence? No I never was good at Geography.'

Do yo remember when ALL we had to worry about was the patients?

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

"I read in the paper that I'm fat and that you've got to sort it out!"

"I'm sorry, but the doctor no longer sees patients in person. But he does take e-mail from 9 to 3."

'Some of them are having a little difficulty with the 'competition' concept.'

'You're not listening to what you're hearing.'

"But first let me give you the good news."

'Ringing in your ears, you say?'

'It's my sinuses, Doctor - I wake up but I don't smell the coffee.'

'Depressed, not sleeping, low self esteem...still enough about me, what can I do for you?'

'You're allergic to media.'

"Sign the contract first kid, then you get the sweets!"

'Give it to me straight, Doc - unless a lie would be better.'

"My husband is not feeling well. He complains about his knees, his back, just about everything. Where do you think I can find a good pair of earplugs?"

Suffolk GP saves ?1000s by conducting vasectomies in-house.

"Glad to hear my health's improved since my last visit. But to be honest, Doc...I never did anything you advised!"

'Undermined and under-appreciated, constantly chasing ever-changing unreasonable targets, depressed and overstressed...still enough about me. What can I do for you?'

'It's true that the flavanoids in chocolate can help reduce platelet activation and influence the balance of eicosanoids...but that is not a justification for me to prescribe you a daily dose of 'choco' mini eggs.'

'Its old Mrs Smith again, I am pretty sure its because she can't afford the vets bills she says the appointment is for her nephew.'

'I suggest you celebrate your birthday as soon as possible!'

'Isn't medical progress marvellous? If we'd been sat here a hundred years ago, we'd be dead by now!'

'I'm taking you off texting for a while.'

"I'm recommending more video games. I'm worried about his hand eye coordination."

'Your spider veins are not the largest I have ever seen, but they are varicose.'

"We'd like the child to arrive in December so taking into account my wifes' ovulation patterns and our opportunities for intercourse we'd like her first check-up booked for next June"

'You seem to be suffering a reaction to the amount of medication you're taking. I'll see what I can prescribe for that!'

"My doctor said I'm not getting any younger. I'd like a second opinion."

'What's wrong with me, Doctor?' 'I have no idea! That information comes within doctor-patient confidentiality.'