Medical Gifts

'That's odd. For most people, getting a pet helps lower blood pressure.'

'He's resting comfortably.'

Hipness Replacement Surgery.

"We managed to resuscitate him, but he's still very critical."

When he got the wrong medication, no one would own up to it. They were real good at covering their own butts.

Cause of death: Just one of those things.

'I'm having my colon checked.'

"Bit of a bummer really, you've got a nut allergy"

"The brain tumor's incurable, but let me give you something for that dandruff."

'Well, we finally figured out what the problem is...your warranty expired.'

'I think sugar substitutes are fattening. Have you noticed that people who use them are usually overweight?'

'We're very worried about your hormone levels.'

Abdominal surgeon using a tire puncture repair kit.

'You say the pains in my left leg are caused by old age. But doctor my right leg is just as old and it doesn't hurt at all!'

Man sees dollar sign on belly: 'Nice stitches, Doc.'

"Fluffy will be giving you rour CAT scan."

'We may have to adjust the gastric band a little.'

"...and the good news is Mr Watkins, your keyhole surgery was a complete success"

'I don't need informed consent to take your temperature.'

'Get back...there's a thermometer in that filing cabinet that could leap out, smash on the floor and give someone a mild headache.'

Health MOT's will attract 'worried well': I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I've got ALL these life threatening illnesses.

"The last thing I remember is hearing the doctor say oops!"

"You can have a local anesthetic or imported."

'If an M.R.I. is too expensive, we can try the copy machine.'

'Should we abstain from sex?'

'We see a lot of carpal tunnel syndrome caused by repetitious pushing of the tv mute button during the political ad season.'

'Give Mr. Fogarty his testosterone injection, Nurse, and then run like the dickens!'

'You need an ectomy. Hop up here and we'll see what kind.'

'ooh! A womb with a view.'

Worst-case scenario.....Best-case scenario...

'You're going to have to give up painting ceilings, Michelangelo !'

"Why do you always get to wear the good mask?"

"A terminal illness? That's seen as a weakness in my business."

In case of poor surgery, break glass for malpractice attorney.

'I'm totally spacing out on the name of the drug you need. Just tell the pharmacist your foot hurts.'